Heart Systems Software Customer Support
Service Rep : Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software
Company help desk. How may I help you?
Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVEv4.0...you know....
the freeware. I don't understand it. Can tell me how to install it?
Service Rep : Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and
instructions with you?
Customer: Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
Service Rep : Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no
other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and
runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your
monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application
you may have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly
restricts and/or deletes the bad ones.
Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my
machine run smoother?
Service Rep : Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV,
ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently.
Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an
external violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also, all
those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided.
LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless
of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of
Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated
for too long. But what about the bad programs?
CS Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs
like HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE.
These programs cant be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE
overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being
executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear
INSULT.WAV and you wont be able to write with the fonts
"BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10".
Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free
CS Rep: They sure are ma'am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?
CS Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it
automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external
Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact
with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they
have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with
each and every module that you receive. But you have to remember, to
receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have to
come into contact with other computers while it is running.
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready
to install now. What do I do first?
CS Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your
Customer: Yes I have, but there are several programs running right
now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE,
GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now.
CS Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE
from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent
memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will
eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called
HIGHESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off
GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent
LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
CS Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke
FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until
GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself
automatically. Is that normal?
CS Rep: Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will
reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes I do. Is it completely installed?
CS Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You
need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
CS Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL
COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
CS Rep: Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that
the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet
been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming
things, but In non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your
own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
CS Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
CS Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
CS Rep: You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy
them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC,
SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC.
The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any
faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all
directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it
is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files.
SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that
WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are
copying themselves all over my HEART!
CS Rep: Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to
handle it from here. One more thing before I go...
CS Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules
to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and
they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.