2 schizophrenics are on the roof of a building in a town in a middle of the night with an electric torch. The other points the light beam to the roof of another building and says: "Could you now walk on the light beam to the other building?"
"Of course I could...but I am afraid you turn the light off when I am in the middle!"*
A grand round in an institution 50 years ago. The chief physician asks a patient claiming to be Napoleon Bonaparte how did he indeed reach this conclusion.
"God told me that!"
Another patient interferes: "Certainly I did not!"
(*Thanks to Pekka Roponen, MD Finland)
A reporter visits a State Hospital to gather info for an article about inpatient psychiatry. He sees all kinds of patients, one of whom is loudly claiming to be God.
The reporter approaches him and says: "Since you're God - why don't you come here and put your hand over the fire?" The patient looks at him and replies: "Look buddy - just because I'm crazy doesn't mean that I'm an idiot too".
(Thanks to Henry Kalir)
A fellow was driving past the grounds of Greystone Hospital one evening alone. He got a flat tire. In changing his tire he put the lug nuts in a hubcap to keep them together. Just as he was getting the spare from the trunk a car came along and caught the edge of the hub cap sending it and the lugnuts flying in the nearby field. The guy looks all over for the lugnuts but can only find the hubcap. He gets more and more frantic as the sun begins to get lower in the sky.
Watching this scene was a hosptial patient on the otherside of the fence surrounding the hospital grounds. Getting the fellow's attention and hearing him tell his tale of woe, the patient says, "why don't you just take one lugnut from each of the other three wheels and put the spare on with them? There is a gas station out on Route 10, you can drive there and they can set you up with the lugnuts you need."
Astonded at the ingenuity of this solution the fellow says "Hey that is brillant ! What's fellow like you doing in a place like Greystone?"
"I may be crazy but am not stupid!" Replied the patient.
(Thanks to Paul Sgalia)
Another with the same punchline:
"There was a construction project at a mental hospital in which the patients were encouraged to take an active part. One of the patients was nailing boards on the side of a storage shed. Sometimes, he would take a nail out of his pocket and pound it in, but about half of the time he would just put the nail back in his other pocket. The construction foreman came along and asked him why he only used about half of the nails. The patient replied that those nails in his other pocket could not be used because they had the head on the wrong end. The Foreman chuckled a little; but the patient hauled him up short: "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid! Those nails are for the other side of this shed."